The sting is poison, only if you reject it,” said the shaman yesterday at the sweat-lodge, “when you don’t resist it, it is medicine.” The little scorpion hid by the fire pit. I left the sweat-lodge asking permission to be reborn with a vow of courage, humility, enthusiasm and respect for my soul.
My rebirth morning started on a high note, doing Sadhana on the beach with my spiritual brothers Luis, Peter and my sister Narayani, and feasting on an amazing breakfast at a luxurious hotel.
By sunset, I walked the beach feeling lost with the perfect excuse to get high.
I found out that my real family had lied to me and snubbed me out of their plan. The old pain from being left behind marched along with me, stinging my heart with rejection.
“Luis, Peter and Narayani are my sangha. They love my company and what I have to say,” New words tried soothing my soul, “God loves me, I love me. Freedom is all I have and that’s more than enough.” I am enough is written all over my walls. I am enough…
Dying from codependency, I slogged on the hot sand with my stomach churning with acid injustice and nauseating humiliation. I tossed the ball towards the ocean watching my dog fetch it over and over while the story of abandon wanted to ring loud through my ears, but I wouldn’t have it.
Determined to get through my feelings this time, I trudged with my sorrow hand in hand. I felt no more indignation. It was pure grief ebbing and flowing like the waves smashing on the shore.
Suddenly, I saw a man jump out from the jetty into the ocean. He bounced on the rocks once and landed in the water a few hundred feet away from the shore. I saw him trying to swim but he started to sink under the waves.
Quickly, I grabbed the ball and ran in his direction with my dog chasing close behind.
After a few waves, the man got washed up on the beach and stayed face down coughing salt water. He was obese, tall and completely wasted. He’d been partying at the fiesta in the Marina, where hundreds of people were drinking and blasting the music loud.
A very angry man ran towards the beach, taking his belt off getting ready to beat the nearly drowned drunk man.
Within seconds I found myself standing between them, “Don’t hit him brother,” I said, as an elder fisherman held the drunk guy through the swell so he wouldn’t get washed back to the sea.
“God is watching you,” I said, as the angry man wrapped the leather belt on his hand and made a loop. He looked at me when I put my hand on his shoulder.
“He wanted to kill himself!” he shrieked, maddened and inebriated.
“It’s a miracle he didn’t drown,” I said, “he’s already been beaten by the ocean.” On the next wave, the old fisherman lost the man and glanced at me. I understood he couldn’t swim as the drunk guy started to roll back to the deep water. I heard the fisherman tell the angered man that I was channeling the holy spirit so I left them talking and got in the water.
Some force or grace came upon me as I walked into the ocean and grabbed the big man by the hand, while the wave was sucking him back to the swell.
Before the next wave came I yanked his arm and said, “Get up,” looking straight at him.
We locked eyes and like a miracle he stood up and wobbled holding my hand as we slowly walked out of the ocean. I heard myself say things like, “You can do it, God loves you, everything is going to be ok.”
The fisherman came to my aid and a small crowd on the beach gathered while someone yelled they had called an ambulance. The angry man was still fuming but he listened to me as I touched his heart over his shirt and said he was a good man. He mentioned Jesus and I said, “Yes , your friend needs love, like Jesus says remember? Forgive.”
The angry man was touched. He shook my hand and disappeared behind the rocks before the cops came while the fisherman and I sat the drunk man far up on the shore and waited for the ambulance.
All the while, I didn’t notice that I’d kept tossing the ball to my dog on automatic. When the ambulance arrived and the ordeal was over, my dog and I walked home under the moonlight as I realized I’d just helped save someone’s life.
Heart said, this is what God wants me to do. I felt worthy and blessed. I noticed how I’d forgotten about my family and how I’d been feeling moments before.
I had survived.
For the first time, I had not been a victim of circumstance. I’d chosen to walk next to my shadow and to embrace my pain instead.
Under the full moon in Scorpio, I knew that if I had decided to get high, it would have not been because of how someone else made me feel. It would have been my choice. And I did not want to do that, even if I’d felt heartbroken.
The Sadhana, the Sangha, the ice baths, the fast and the sweat-lodge had worked. Something in me was blooming, I got to keep my freedom.
First night out, I get the blessing to feel heroic, thank you universe.
There is no better feeling, than being
of service…